Consider Yourselves Forewarned
Every morning for the past three weeks, I have had the same thing for breakfast: 2 bran muffins and a stool softener washed down by a GIANT glass of metamucil and strong coffee. Now for most people, this would be the equivalent of drinking that gallon jug of stuff you have to slug down prior to having a colonoscopy -- you know, the stuff that cleans every iota of poop out of every inch of your intestines and colon. I mean, most people would have to RUN to the nearest toilet, and arm themselves with something like War and Peace to read because they would be sitting there, probably repeatedly, for a long time.
But sadly, this is NOT the case for the woman with stitches in her VAGINA.
Before I decided to allow my body to brew another lifeforce in the form of a baby, I should have gone back and read one of the first posts on this blog about my first after-birth poop. Because I will stand in front of a grand jury and testify that I found it easier to push a rather enormous baby out of my vagina than it has been to poop since having him. In fact, it took me less time to pass the aforementioned baby than it has to pass some of my poop lately. And, I think I sweated less too.
You may think after you push out that baby that you will never have to do so much physical work again. Ha! I say. Double ha! Because you will soon experience constipation that would stop the flow of Niagra Falls. You can gobble stool softener like it's M&M's, swill Metamucil like it's a fine wine you can't get enough of. You can eat raw vegetables, obscene amounts of lettuce, prunes and other assorted dried fruit as if they taste like double chocolate espresso brownies.
And you STILL won't be able to poop.
Why do I tell you this about myself? Two reasons.
1) I consider it my personal duty to forewarn any woman who may be considering having a child of the atrocities she must suffer; and 2) it is my goal to come up as the top search on Google when someone types in any of the following words: poop or vagina or breasts, enormous. Am I there yet?
Every morning for the past three weeks, I have had the same thing for breakfast: 2 bran muffins and a stool softener washed down by a GIANT glass of metamucil and strong coffee. Now for most people, this would be the equivalent of drinking that gallon jug of stuff you have to slug down prior to having a colonoscopy -- you know, the stuff that cleans every iota of poop out of every inch of your intestines and colon. I mean, most people would have to RUN to the nearest toilet, and arm themselves with something like War and Peace to read because they would be sitting there, probably repeatedly, for a long time.
But sadly, this is NOT the case for the woman with stitches in her VAGINA.
Before I decided to allow my body to brew another lifeforce in the form of a baby, I should have gone back and read one of the first posts on this blog about my first after-birth poop. Because I will stand in front of a grand jury and testify that I found it easier to push a rather enormous baby out of my vagina than it has been to poop since having him. In fact, it took me less time to pass the aforementioned baby than it has to pass some of my poop lately. And, I think I sweated less too.
You may think after you push out that baby that you will never have to do so much physical work again. Ha! I say. Double ha! Because you will soon experience constipation that would stop the flow of Niagra Falls. You can gobble stool softener like it's M&M's, swill Metamucil like it's a fine wine you can't get enough of. You can eat raw vegetables, obscene amounts of lettuce, prunes and other assorted dried fruit as if they taste like double chocolate espresso brownies.
And you STILL won't be able to poop.
Why do I tell you this about myself? Two reasons.
1) I consider it my personal duty to forewarn any woman who may be considering having a child of the atrocities she must suffer; and 2) it is my goal to come up as the top search on Google when someone types in any of the following words: poop or vagina or breasts, enormous. Am I there yet?
posted by Sara @ 2:35 PM
